I own three umbrellas. Who cares?

Dear Sir:

I apologize for my bluntness, but please, get a life.  You say you search for truth but what truths have you really found?  When performing scientific experiments you should be thinking of how your research will benefit the scientific community and society, as a whole.  You should not however be wasting 18 years of your life on your own personal fantasy.  Who does this study benefit other than yourself I ask you?  Who’s going to read through your 9 volumes of Umbrellaology and say “Wow, this is good stuff.”  The fact that you even asked me to take a look at your studies is an insult to my intelligence!  I’d like to know this person whom you no longer call friend, perhaps we could share a coffee and talk about how ridiculous your theories are.

But since you did ask, I will impart my general opinion onto whether or not I would consider this a science or not.  And I must say, congratulations, based off of the information you have given me, it seems you have created a science based  on the most pointless object ever however. Though I would like to know more for your collection of data, how did you travel to every single house hold within the United States, home to over 300 million people?  Also, how were you able to anticipate people lying to you over the asininity of your research?  What if people told you they had one umbrella, but they forgot about the three they had in their storage space.  The margin of error here is just tremendous, it’s hard to believe you were able to draw any conclusions at all.

Look honestly, I don’t even know how you got this address, but you mind as well come here to pick up your nine volumes of Umbrellaology because I shall not be reading them.  They will be sitting in their box on the end of my drive way for whenever you decide to pick them up.

Please do not write again,

Dash

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